The central thesis of my controversial book, PALIN COMPARISON
(Horsewhipp-Buggyjump-Sonavovich, hardcover, $29.95), is that though
Sarah Palin was reputedly born in Sandpoint, Idaho, and brought to
Alaska as an infant, she is actually the offspring of northern fur
seals, making her ineligible as a potential presidential candidate.
I’ve included in this volume many convincing photographs, including
copulating seals and the infamous “whisker photo,” along with numerous
examples of nose wiggling, hand
clapping, and ball balancing. Recall the time she was speaking at the
Chicago Zoo and fell snapping and burping to her knees at the podium
when a nearby trainer inadvertently spilled a bucket of raw mackerel.
Consider if you will the footage of mating fur seals the year that Sarah
Palin was born and that small dark-haired child frolicking with them
through the ice floes. Note how in the second half of the ten minutes
it usually takes her to answer a question the rhythm of her largely
insensible speech becomes more like barking. Many women later in life
begin to develop a mustache, but look more closely (critics respond that
this is fishing line left over from a Halloween cat costume), but only
the offspring of fur seals running for high political office would not
know that Africa was a continent. Again, observe closely how when
pleased (when for example she has understood a joke) she slaps her palms
together and purses her lips, throat quivering in an attempt to
suppress a volley of raucous grunts. At the bottom of her birth
certificate there is a SEAL. She’s pretty cute, too, you’ll agree, or
at least cuter than that guy from Hawaii. OAR! OAR! OAR!
Poe Ballantine
